The words come and go, ebb and flow. Just so many words I’d gathered. Just so many thoughts I’d pondered. But what I really want to say hovers at the tip of my tongue…I don’t quite know the words, I don’t know if I’d ever say it if I knew.

The days are flying by. And beneath it all, I am scared. Really scared. Get through all of the emotions on the surface and beneath it all, I am just so terribly frightened.

I am frightened mostly of being seen. I’d rather hide. I’d rather just stay in bed with my head under the sheets. Remember how that always made you feel secure as a kid? It still makes me feel secure.

And I am also frightened that I may not be seen…that the words will hide me.

I hate them…these words that come and go. They pretend to set you free but actually, they bind you. How can words say so much and yet so little?

All too often, you catch what you think is a glimpse of the person only to find that the light was reflecting you.... and what you wanted to see.

Words…we use them to build bridges…. but the same words…isn’t it funny how they can build walls. Words can tear…. but can words really heal? And the questions without answers…who'll answer them? And what do you do with the answers that ask questions?!?!? Where, oh where do you stow them away?

The thing with words is.... they make a noise. And in all that noise, you miss out on truly listening. Of listening with the heart.

It might not be the wisest thing to ‘fess fear, but dear God, I am scared. I am scared to bits. It’s all so complicated. I want to and yet I can’t. I don’t think I can. It’s too much effort and I am tired and old. But then, why do I want to?

Maybe, because I am tired and old? And it’s getting too much of an effort to pretend that I am not.

I’ve already spent the best part of my day chatting. Really shouldn’t be taking the time off to blog now. But it’s funny, isn’t it? How spent you can be. Yeah…that’s the word. I am spent.

And I don’t mean it in a * sniff* way. I am at peace with being spent. I like the quietness. I like the stillness. It’s healing me.

They shake their heads and say, “Poor thing, it changed her.” But they don’t really get it! I have freedom now. And the feeling makes me heady and steady at the same time. It’s like you know that the worst is over.

Nobody is indispensable. You thought you couldn’t live without them but you have. You thought stuff like that never happened but it did and it happened to you. You’ve faced what you thought you’d never face and heck! you survived! Nothing can quite touch you the same way again. And while one part of you regrets the fact, the other part is singing and dancing in the rain with head thrown back.

You’ll win this! You so know you will. The best part is how it cuts the ties, the bonds, the attachments. I don’t feel indebted to any human being. And I can say it and actually mean it when I say that I expect nothing from anybody.

It’s a strange sense of freedom. I can live my life the way I want, without people dictating how or what I feel. I can shrug my shoulder, look past you and keep walking.

ISAK- Where has she gone?

ALMAN - You know it. She's gone away. Everyone has gone away. Can't you hear the silence? Everything has been dissected, professor. A masterpiece of surgery. No pain, no blood.

ISAK - And what is my punishment?

ALMAN - Your punishment? I don't know. The usual, i guess.

ISAK - The usual?

ALMAN - Of course. Loneliness.

Just when I was getting used to the easy predictability of my life….the bug bugs me again. I am suddenly not so much in love with my job…or my city. I wanna be away and out. I think I’ve stayed here for far too long. Help! I am beginning to grow roots!

I think I’ve been working for far too long. I am so looking forward to just bumming around. You know…not bumming around feeling useless but bumming around doing things. Like go trekking or camping or go on a wildlife shoot or welll….something like that.

I am sick and tired of my stupid 9-5 job. I am sick and tired of sitting in front of the comp. I am sick and tired of having to be nice all the time.

That last one really takes a toll on me…. Having to smile and be nice when all you are longing to REALLY do is dance on the other person’s corpse. Ok, I know that sounds morbid but hey! I am PMS-ing.

I am also beginning to realize that actually I hate men. Believers or unbelievers, saved or unsaved they are all frigging egomaniacs, who are COMPLETELY full of themselves. Amma goes on and on about me having to get married…I was ok with that till like a coupla weeks ago. But then, in the last fortnight I find myself getting…. hard.

The word marriage makes me wanna slap someone like really hard. I told Amma that yesterday and she said that its cos I am becoming self-contained, which was exactly what she’d been fearing. She went on to say that that was what happened when people stayed single for too long. Whatever.

I told her I hated men. She got upset with that. And she said its cos I am allowing myself to get bitter. Whatever.

I don’t WANT to get married or hear of getting married for a very, very, VERY long time. I just wanna BE!! Speaking for myself…that is. I know that God might not want that for me…so it’s a bit like surrender at gunpoint. But I can’t help praying that God would please gimme a break and just swat all these mismatches outta my face.

I’m sick and tired of meeting all these egomaniacs.

Also…I’ve realized that I like my space. I’ve realized that I can never be with a guy who tries to be my ‘friend’. I think I need someone who is…like….I donno…a father figure?:-/

No, no…it’s not what you think! It’s not an older-man-daddy-long-legs-Rhett-Butler kinda syndrome. It’s just that I need to be able to you know…. “look upto” the person I’m gonna marry.

Does that mean I’m “weak”? Maybe…? I’d rather just have someone who took all the practical decisions without my having to preoccupy myself with all that. I want to be a child all over again and be taken care of. BUT at the same time, I don’t wanna be “dependent.”

And as for being my ‘friend’…. dude, I have enough friends. Why would I need my man to be my friend? He needs to be my MAN!! Lol!!! Ok! I know that I’m taking us all a few centuries backward with that statement. Spare me feminists all! I am not ‘stereotyping gender’.

I am not in favour of infantalizing a woman at the cost of her independence. But heck! I SO AM in favour of having my independence and yet being infantalized/ babied/ konchified.

Yes! I am COMPLETELY in favour of having my cake and eating it too: )

But yes, I do know that we are s’posed to be “partners” and equals and that just cos the guy is the guy, he won’t be infallible. But that never can stop me from wanting.

Maybe…maybe…. I’m too much of an idealist. Maybe that’s why I am always so troubled by reality. Somehow, I just don’t seem to be able to reconcile what I WANT with what actually IS. Or stretch that to who I want with who is…

: (

Oh dear…. whatever shall I do?

I'd written out a long post today but then it got lost.

I can't help wondering why I am blogging again. I know I shouldn't try to analyse even that..I know it doesn't merit that much thought...but heck...when I am so overloaded with work, why am I blogging?

Perhaps, it is about the silence. I am really the only 'youngster' in my department. Everybody that I called a 'friend' at work...has left and I am feeling strangely conscious of the void. No more laughs, no more foolish jokes...no wait, I am exaggerating.

It's all there...all of those elements but I guess without the people who mattered to you, it doesn't seem quite the same anymore. Oh well. I am back on my own once again. And it really isn't the end of the world cos people like me were wired to be comfortable with solitude :)

The girls are all travelling so no more chit chats and no more mochas for a while. The girls are my only respite from the monotony of work and back. But age is catching up with the girls too. Our last time together was ever so serious...

But heck, why am I blogging again? If I can't determine that and find a satisfying reason, I guess I just need to quit all over again.

Back?

There really is no reason why I should be back 'cept that the silence is getting a bit too loud...

Don't feel like blogging anymore. So, it's goodbye for a long, long, long while.